Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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