She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
