I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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