I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize