I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
