I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
