Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
