So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
As shirtless as possible
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize