I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
