Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
