I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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