6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
