Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
