I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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