I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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