I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
