If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Pants are for mortals
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
