my mouth tastes like poor choices
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
