I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
