I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
