I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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