even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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