We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
