quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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