i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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