I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize