Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
