I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
