Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
