i already hear my dad disowning me
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize