well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
