he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
