oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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