I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
