the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He passed out mid-signature
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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