he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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