I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
