Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
