Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
