Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
