I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
