he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
