life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You ate ashes out of my bong
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
