He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
