I love black thongs
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
