She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
3 2 1 whiskey
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
