I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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