Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
