I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
