the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
