When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
