If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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