So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
