Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
