I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
