Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
where does the pee come out of this thing
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
