I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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