I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
