I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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