I'm going to jail i love you
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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