I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
