the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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