You made me cry and you don't even care
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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