I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
