I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
