Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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