You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
