Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
