Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
